Bigshot

The perfect ensemble for any upscale sports bar.

The perfect ensemble for any upscale sports bar.

Bigshot has the misfortune of being the guy that everyone else just wants to punch in the face. He is in his late twenties to early thirties, and lives as a manager or director in a consulting or investment banking firm. He eats, sleeps, breathes, and shits work. If asked to describe himself in three words, instead of the usual “fun-loving, friendly, and adventurous” he would simply provide his job title. He and his clone colleagues rank their importance by the number of hours worked, air miles accumulated, and degree of wear on their Blackberry’s QWERTY keyboard. This latter-mentioned, God-like device is, of course, Bigshot’s lifeblood and girlfriend. If he ever has to leave his desk for even a nanosecond, you can bet he’ll have his face buried in his Blackberry and will probably almost mow you down while barging out of the elevator. Yea, he’s kinda a big deal.

When Bigshot decides to leave the office early on a Saturday night, he can be seen having some beers with chums at a nearby sports bar-cum-dance club. In order to not feel too underdressed out of his business suit, Bigshot wears jeans so dressy they could almost certainly be worn to a wedding. The darker blue the better, and even a tiny trace of wear and tear is strictly forbidden. The jeans are paired with a neatly pressed, vertical-striped collared shirt, and an immaculate dark-colored blazer on top. Despite this formal ensemble, Bigshot can still be seen trying to take a big booty cutie down low to the floor while spilling his Fat Tire all over everyone within 10 feet. After another hour or so of this it’s time to drain the lizard. This is when Bigshot can be seen in his most classic pose – hunched over the urinal, hammering out a text message with one hand and shaking off the dribbles with the other.

So what’s the quickest way to stop all this madness and put Bigshot in his place? In case it isn’t yet clear, his Achilles’ heel is his Blackberry. “Accidentally” knock this device into a beer or under the wheel of a speeding taxi and Bigshot will instantly combust. Before darting off in glee, it may be worth taking a quick flip through his charred Louis Vuitton wallet to see if there’s any cash or unused condoms to salvage.

Frequently heard saying: “Hi I’m in I-Banking, what’s your name?”

Last seen: Rubbing one out in the office bathroom in between midnight conference calls.

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