On his way to throw the weight around.

On his way to throw the weight around.

Everyone knows Meathead. He is highly visible on college campuses and in popular nightlife districts where he works as a bartender or door guy. His dedication to the weight room has provided him with legs the width of most people and lats that resemble the wings of a military aircraft. If his massive girth isn’t enough to spot him, look for a barbed wire or tribal tattoo around his bicep. This is a mandatory branding that all Meatheads must obtain once they’re able to comfortably toss up 300 pounds. If his arms happen to be covered, which is rare as he loves showing off his guns, the giant-sized can of Monster energy drink that remains permanently glued to his hand will surely identify him.

Meathead went to college but spent all his time at the rec center so he only just eeked by on Cs and Ds. This may have something to do with why he’s rarely seen in Corporate America – that and the fact that he can’t find a white dress shirt that will button up around his watermelon-sized neck. To make extra money on the side, Meathead fights as part of a local amateur MMA organization. This is an excellent opportunity for him to take out his pent-up childhood frustrations on people rather than dumbbells. It also allows him to get his face pummeled which gives him that bad boy image that the ladies simply love.

Despite his dim persona, Meathead is smart enough to realize that a consistent regimen of resistance training and cardiovascular exercise makes him more appealing to the opposite sex. He also realizes that such exercise provides a number of legitimate health benefits, such as reducing the risk of heart disease and maintaining a keen mental state, but that’s not what’s important. This is all about looking good for the ladies. You often see Meathead grinning as Coke Whore squeezes his bicep and utters a rather sexual “ooooo niiiiice”. This is foreshadowing for later on that night when the distinct sounds of a jackhammer and squeaky tractor wheel indicate that Meathead’s bedroom has been turned into a construction site. In tune with his machismo personality, Meathead likes to maintain full control over his women and does so by demanding B&B the next morning (a blowjob and breakfast, in that order). Presumably Meathead witnessed his father making similar demands on his mother while growing up.

A few days later you see the happy new couple walking hand-in-hand through the park, but sadly this relationship only lasts as long as it takes for Coke Whore to figure out that bartenders don’t make a mil a year. This is when she dumps him for a flabbier but wealthier Sugar Daddy.

Frequently heard saying: “Dude can I bum a scoop of your protein powder? I’ve only had 300 grams today.”

Last seen: Squeezing out a tricep pose while pretending to just be casually leaning up against the bar.


One response to “Meathead

  1. Pingback: Mr. Meathead I don’t wanna be you « Le coq à la crète noire

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