Jewel of Denial

On her way to a beating...err...meeting.

On her way to a beating...err...meeting.

Jewel of Denial, or “Jewel” for short, is the third stage in the metamorphosis of a particularly beloved female character. The first was Proud Sarah, then Urban Caucasian Mother, and now Jewel. She is the brash, bossy, boisterous woman who holds a rather senior position in your company’s finance or marketing department. How she got there is a complete mystery to everyone else in the company. She is named Jewel of Denial for two reasons. Firstly, she has a sparkling little gem of a personality that is crystal clear to her but utterly lost on everyone else. Secondly, she’s had a lump of coal wedged so far up her ass for so long that she’s bound to cough up a diamond at any moment. She has absolutely no idea just how obnoxious she is to work with.

Jewel is known for her bellowing voice and dominating presence in meetings. This is to over-compensate for having breasts and a vagina in a predominantly phallic field. When hosting a brainstorming session, the only brain in the room that matters is her own. If a colleague chooses to share an opinion, Jewel will listen and nod approvingly until the person is finished and then immediately dismiss the idea and move on to the next topic. If you are deemed important enough to deserve a one-on-one chat with her, she will assert her femdom confidence by standing entirely too close and glaring at you with wide, powerful eyes. Try not to wince as she showers you with Chanel No. 5 and ripe tofurkey breath.

So how does one topple Jewel off her power pedestal? Well, it’s surprisingly simple. After a particularly obnoxious meeting in her office, throw her off course with some canned pleasantries about her upcoming weekend. Then, just as you’re about to close the door behind you, drop a C-bomb. “Oh by the way Sarah, you’re a real c**t”. Slam. You may now skip and giggle back to your desk without fear of getting fired, for here lies the beauty of this plan. Jewel will be so distraught that she’ll be unable to speak and will resign on the spot. She will then leave that night for a spiritual little town in India to heal herself of the trauma and contemplate the meaning of life on a yoga mat. Now is the time to enjoy your newly appointed title of “Baddest Motherf**ker in the Office”.

Frequently heard saying: “So we all agree that we should implement my idea to leverage our expertise to create synergy in the marketplace? Good.”

Last seen: Pausing to adjust her cleavage and posture before walking past the CEO’s office.

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