You may need to keep a keen wit about you to spot Cliffhanger, but he’s definitely out there. He’s just hitting that point of transitioning from his late 30s to early 40s, and as such is experiencing a bit of an identity crisis. He is married with a couple of young kids, and therefore is expected to act and dress a certain way, but he’s not ready to accept the imminent Tommy Bahama shirts and deck shoes just yet. Cliffhanger is desperately trying to cling onto every last fiber of his youth, and does so by sneaking in the occasional Ed Hardy t-shirt, or cranking up the latest rap hits in his SUV and glancing around awkwardly to make sure no one is giving him the ‘tard face. In a conversation he rarely waits more than a minute before making a forced remark to let you know he’s still high up in the hipness ranks, such as, “Did you see Beyonce at the VMAs? Man…what I wouldn’t do to that ass.” He may be balding and showing a little salt ‘n pepper, but he can still pop bottles with the best of ’em.
You’ll sometimes see him and his old law school buddies huddled in a booth at an upscale sports bar sipping micro brews and noshing on mini Kobe burgers. This after-work retreat is their time to unwind and grumble about married life, reminiscing about the good ole days when they were 30 pounds lighter and knee deep in collegiate vajayjay. Despite the depressing nature of such thoughts, Cliffhanger and his friends take solace in the fact that they’re all still young on the inside, right? Right??
When he’s not tinkering with his mental time machine or getting hair surgery, Cliffhanger can be seen strolling through the neighborhood with his kids and beloved wife, Cliffdiver. Notorious for delving into the whorish depths of the Nordstrom teens department to find her clothing, Cliffdiver also enjoys keeping one toe firmly planted in her youth and a thong strap firmly wedged in her butt crack. A tight pair of Rock & Republic’s and playful Juicy t-shirt comprise her standard outfit, accentuated by a bulls-eye tattoo on the lower back. Forever 21 my ass – Forever 42.
Frequently heard saying: “No honey you can’t have a Popsicle…oh this song’s tight!”
Last seen: Hitting on the 16-year-old cashier at Walgreens.