Cube Monkey

Cube Monkey's Lair

Cube Monkey's Lair

Hiding within the confines of a 6′ by 6′ three-walled box, Cube Monkey is a rather elusive character. The occasional rustling of papers or squeaky fart are the only major signs of his existence. Due to the incompetence of upper management, Cube Monkey and dozens of his friends were hired even though there is only enough work for about three people. As a result, he is forced to find ways to kill about 7 of the 8 hours he spends at the office each day. Cube Monkey is clearly a real asset to your organization.

Cube Monkey starts his day by reading each new e-mail about three times, grabbing some coffee from the break room, and crunching a few numbers in Excel. Around 10 o’clock he hits panic mode – there are 7 more hours until he gets to leave and he’s got bugger all left to do. Naturally, then, his favorite pastime is web-surfing. He enjoys reading comedic blogs and constantly has to stop himself mid-chuckle to avoid revealing his worthlessness. He has a keen ear and is always listening out for the pitter-patter of passing feet, at which point he quickly clicks back to that Excel spreadsheet and punches in some meaningless numbers. I saw the YouTube screen you dipshit.

Cube Monkey is sometimes forced to migrate from his cubicle to the conference room for important meetings. Here he is notorious for adding as much value as a dry dildo, and spends most of the time fiddling with the knobs on his chair. He is also a big fan of the 20-minute bathroom break, where he thinks he is safe from detection. What Cube Monkey doesn’t realize is that, with his pants now around his ankles, the photo ID tag clipped to his belt is dangling in plain view below the stall door. You can hear him tapping away on his iPhone as he thumbs through Facebook status updates while pretending to drop a deuce. Another dead giveaway is when, upon returning to his desk, you see him trying to zoom into a document by “pinching out” his computer screen. Busted.

Frequently heard saying: (To Boss) “Yep, I’ve been working on the Drudge Report…I mean Status Report…all morning.”

Last seen: Picking his wedgie in the elevator.


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