Urban Caucasian Mother

"Coming through!"

"Coming through!"

The Urban Caucasian Mother (“UCM”) can be seen taking over sidewalks in affluent urban communities all across this great nation. She is typically in her early to mid-thirties and, as such, is starting to panic about the onslaught of old age. To counteract the inevitable jiggly arms and tank ass, UCM marches around her neighborhood all day with an SUV-sized stroller that gets in everybody’s way. She absolutely must accessorize with a recyclable to-go cup of soy chai tea from the quirky new neighborhood tea house, a small, yappy dog, and a husband carrying around their other child in a baby backpack. The result is essentially a traveling circus sideshow whose only goal is to bastardize the neighborhood and make everyone else’s day a little less convenient.

A poster child for Lululemon Athletica, UCM likes to wear cutting-edge athletic apparel as she is known to periodically pause her neighborhood tour to strike an impressive yoga pose. Only the most stretchable and breathable fabrics known to man, available in the hippest color palette, enable her to properly do this. This clothing also helps her to a) jog on the spot while waiting for the crosswalk light to turn green and b) properly direct other pedestrians out of her way.

UCM and her husband very much enjoy eating brunch on the outdoor patio of a trendy local cafe. Not wanting to deprive the children of the same pleasant experience, UCM politely but firmly asks the server to remove the adjacent table to make room for her stroller. The fact that this prevents one of the seven waiting parties from sitting down to enjoy their brunch is of little importance. Actually, she’s probably doing them a favor because no one enjoys sitting by the shrieking infant who’s continually spitting out her brioche french toast. UCM rolls her eyes at hubbie’s selection of fatty bacon and sausage as she nibbles on her egg-white arugula omelette with seasonal fruit salad.

After brunch the happy family likes to stop by the dog park to let Bailey sniff some strange tail, then heads home so UCM can continue working on her baby scrapbooking project that all of her friends are anxiously waiting to see.

Frequently heard saying: “Did you hear about the new organic baby food shop opening next to L’Occitane?”

Last seen: Struggling to get her stroller through the door of the doggy bakery.


3 responses to “Urban Caucasian Mother

  1. Know her.
    Despise her.
    Plan to sabotage that damn stroller and tell her that her hair cut is so “John and Kate”.


  2. Haha. I haven’t seen that show but I can only imagine the horror!

  3. majority culture law: they’re often funny to others and almost always blind to their collective ways.

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