Flunt

She'll be returning to work any hour now...

She'll be returning to work any hour now...

Flunt is probably one of the least liked characters in America. Her name is a portmanteau of “fat”, “lazy”, and another word that justly encapsulates her awful personality. When she decides to take a break from lunch, Flunt can be found working in either a government office, such as the post office or DMV, or in your company’s HR department. Without even so much as a glance in your direction she may ask “How can I help you?”, but don’t be fooled by this murmur of hope. Not only will she make no attempt whatsoever to provide assistance, but she’ll probably do everything in her minimum wage power to make your situation, and life in general, ten times worse. Just five mere minutes with Flunt is enough to send even the holiest person rushing for the nearest bottle of Jim Beam.

But can we really blame Flunt for being so cruel? Let’s take a moment to examine her life, shall we? She is considerably overweight and forces herself to eat a crappy Lean Cuisine every day for lunch, yet washes it down with a Blizzard and a jelly doughnut so she never loses a pound. Her husband lays around all day watching Springer, and her brat kids keep getting in trouble at school for de-pantsing the lower classmen. To top it all off, Flunt works 30 hours a week in a drab environment where her only ounce of daily stimulation is the little hand on the clock hitting five. Wouldn’t you be a bit grumpy too? Probably, but she’s still a bitch.

When Flunt decides to stand up and move around, she can usually be seen shopping for moo moos at Wal-Mart or hitting up the buffet at Golden Corral. It is quite a mystery though how she eats, because no one has ever seen her smile to confirm if in fact she has teeth. The only things she for sure chews on are customers, coworkers, and the occasional Slim Jim.

Frequently heard saying: “NEXT!”

Last seen: Playing Solitaire while Customer #47 asks about his license test score.

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