Chicago Body

"Come back to Mommy."

"Come back to Mommy."

The Chicago Body (“CB”), while first appreciated in the city of Chicago, can frequently be spotted nationwide in your neighborhood sports bar. She is typically a recent college graduate with loans on her shoulders, and therefore wisely limits her expenses by ordering her beer by the bucket. That, coupled with her favorite foods of cheese fries, 25¢ wings, and jalapeno poppers, is what gives the CB her namesake figure – a delicately proportioned spare tire wrapped around an otherwise slim frame.

CBs spend their evenings dancing on the bar in an optimistically-purchased yet ill-fitting summer dress and flip flops bearing the Greek letters of her second-tier sorority. Inevitably, however, she ends up being removed from the establishment for attempting a three-way kiss with the bartender and a portrait of Harry Caray that she just yanked from the bathroom wall. It is at this point when CB heads over to the nearest 4am Mexican restaurant to relive her college days by polishing off a grande steak burrito with extra sour cream.

CBs almost always get education degrees so they can teach important multiplication to elementary school students (“If there are six beers in a six-pack and four six-packs in a case, how many beers are in a case?”). When asked why she chose to become a teacher, a CB typically provides three reasons: June, July, and August. This is because all CBs are avid baseball fans.

At the ball park, CBs can be seen supporting the local team by wearing a logo hat and matching t-shirt, the latter of which usually ends up splattered with mustard and relish from the two hotdogs she shoveled down after the 2nd and 7th innings. It is at this moment that the CB appears about two pork chops and a treasure trail shy of becoming the next Superfan. Start spewing a stream of sports statistics and Chris Farley quotes and you’ll win her heart forever.

Frequently heard saying: “Can you believe the beer guy only came down our aisle once in the 5th??”

Last seen: Walking down the street at 9am carrying a case of Miller Lite.

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