Calorie Nazi

Salad - the most delicious meal on Earth.

Arch-nemesis of restaurants and normal people everywhere, Calorie Nazi is the queen bee of picky eaters. She won’t touch a pizza with a 50-foot pole, nor will she be seen in the same room as many foods normal people perceive to be reasonably healthy, such as cereal, pasta, or rice. Without fail, Calorie Nazi manages to make an appearance at every large group dinner, and makes her presence known quickly. She can be seen examining the menu with the wincing concentration of a surgeon about to remove a testicle. Knowing the ingredients of a dish is not enough for Calorie Nazi. No no. She also must know the source of each ingredient, exactly how the dish is prepared, and what other dishes will be cooked within 4 square feet that could make hers fattening by proximity. Calorie Nazi makes everyone at the table want to jab a fork in their eye.

To add fuel to the fire, Calorie Nazi is lactose intolerant and deathly allergic to nuts and wheat. Of course she doesn’t have any clear evidence of this, but she’s been avoiding dairy and carbs for so long that she assumes her finely-tuned body can no longer process such lowly foods. After outlining her allergies and maximum daily caloric intake to the waiter, the two work together to select a meal that’s right for her. Once that’s done, Calorie Nazi makes a dozen or so special requests and substitutions, rendering her final selection more like rabbit food than the description on the menu. More often than not the chef ends up having to stop making everyone else’s dinner to come to the table for clarification of Calorie Nazi’s bizarre demands. She takes this as an opportunity to educate him on the world’s best cooking oil she found at an independent gourmet food shop in some far-away land and how he should seriously consider importing it for use in his restaurant. After throwing up in his mouth the chef nods and returns to the kitchen.

Not surprisingly, Calorie Nazi is also obsessed with physical fitness. When she’s not causing restaurant employees to have heart palpitations, she spends most of her time at a fitness center where she works as either a personal trainer or a yoga instructor, if not both. She has one of those slightly-too-masculine physiques with wide shoulders, defined biceps, and calves shaped like a bone-in Christmas ham. Naturally, though, Calorie Nazi thinks she looks smoking hot and likes showing off her rock hard figure. She does so by running in just a sports bra, and by performing her cheeky party trick of cracking walnuts between her butt cheeks.

Frequently heard saying: “Eww, do you have any idea how much sugar is in that fruit salad?”

Last seen: Doing lunges while exiting your local vegan/organic/gluten-free market.